Molly Wooddell 1945 - 2002
Molly served in Community Bible Study as a Core Leader, Children's Teacher, Teaching Director, and most recently as an Area Director in Northern Virginia.
My Personal Testimony by Molly Wooddell
Most people these days are familiar with the well-known poem Footprints in the Sand, in which the Lord carries the man during his times of trial and suffering instead of letting him walk alone. That is exactly how the Lord has held me for the last year and a half since I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. But, in addition to being held above my circumstances, He has helped me to know so clearly that my whole identity is in Him. I could rename this poem Fingerprints in my Hand, referring to my oneness with Christ.
As with most of us, Christ's fingerprints have been all over my life's circumstances, and yet I remained blind to it. I would bemoan how alone I felt and thought it remained up to me to change things with my own strength, even if it was just to bear up under the weight of whatever was going on as any good stoic Christian should do. I was brought up in a family where there was an outward appearance of religion but no knowledge of any relationship with a living God. I loved God and prayed to Him daily and made many deals with Him in my own mind. These were not deals that He made, nor should He have been held responsible to keep. I don't think I am alone in this; I think we all misuse prayer in some similar way of holding God hostage to meet our needs at our say-so and in our own timing. When both of my parents died without my first having evidence of their repentance, I felt betrayed by God, for this had been one of my lifelong but unilateral deals too.
Alcoholism had played such a significant part in my parents' lives that I was determined not to marry a drinker. I just wasn't aware of the many other ways addictive personalities could be acted out. I found a man who didn't drink and seemed to be hardworking, dependable and honest. So what's not to marry? I was in love, and my vows were taken solemnly and seriously before God, to Steve, for better or worse until death us would part. I don't need to dwell on any of the particularly worse parts, but over the 23 years that we stayed married, there were many. The better parts, being the birth of our two daughters, were so much better that I could never have thought of leaving. I idolized my girls. This is something I am not proud of now. I didn't even realize that I had become more emotionally dependent on them than they were on me. Without a real relationship with my husband, I wrapped up my entire life in the girls. They were my world. God loved me too much to let this continue. He knew and loved me before I knew Him. He needed his rightful place on the throne of my heart once and for all.
Circumstances were allowed into my life that brought me to a place of believing that I was losing my mind and that I might even be a danger to my children if I continued to live. I planned my suicide for a late-night overdose of medications, but once again I first made a deal with the Lord. I had to know that I wouldn't go to hell and in that way I would be sure to see my girls again. God, in his spirit, communicated to me in my spirit, as clearly as if I had heard an audible voice: "Molly, will you give me your children and live? "But God." I argued, "I am giving them to you. I can't be around them anymore." "No, Molly, give them to me and live." I knew in that instant that it was like Abraham and Isaac, and that I had to completely sacrifice (entrust) my girls to Him, even if I never saw them again. He gave me the grace and mercy to realize for the first time that I needed Him more than I needed them. But it was an anguishing moment to let go and let God have His way when so much was unknown. I remember saying, "Yes, Lord," and then crying tears of the purest joy I have ever known. I remember crying out loud "Thank you, Jesus!" over and over again even though nothing essentially had changed in my circumstances. I remember this was the first time I had ever used His first name or called Him "Lord." He had always just been "God" before. Now, He was Jesus, and I felt I knew Him and He knew me personally. A friend later explained to me that that was the moment I had been born again.
That was back in 1975, and like most new Christians, I immediately wanted to learn more about God and what He expected of me in our relationship. I worked hard to be the person I thought He wanted me to be, all the while being sure it would get me what I wanted out of life: a healing of my marriage and our family. Instead, Jesus wanted me emptied out of myself completely so that He could fill me with Himself.
It was not until 1991 that Steve finally left the marriage and filed for divorce. My girls were in college. I was empty-nested. I had career burnout from nursing and pre-menopausal symptoms. It was a very bad year. Again, God's fingerprints had been there. He had provided support groups and counseling for me a year prior to this. I reconnected with my sisters for the first time in years, and Christian friends like CBS and other groups were a great comfort tome in times of trouble.
My daughters had their own difficulties in adjusting to the divorce. There were years of estrangement from them that broke my heart. I was definitely on the outside since they both worked for their father, but I was determined not to let a broken marriage mean a broken family. Steve soon learned that his dreams for which he left the marriage were not to be. He came back to me in humility and true repentance. He worked very hard to win me back. But I could not see the change in him as a man of God, and that seemed to me to be what God would have ordained for us if we were to be together in the sanctity of marriage again. Still, over the years, we did everything together as a family, which eventually brought healing to the girls' relationship with me as I stood back and waited for them to be ready, rather than trying to force it as I had tendency to do in the past.
One of the tools God used to bring me into a dependence on Him rather than on others or myself was my habit of journaling. In not being able to deal with the grief of our divorce, I transferred all my anger from the present to the past. It wasn't a conscious decision, but it must have been because it seemed safer, since this focused on an unknown hatred for my father who had been deceased for some 20 years. Even so, I was consumed with horrible thoughts and feelings toward my father. I knew this was a bad Christian witness, especially to my sisters. It was interfering with my relationship with the Lord. I prayed for deliverance. I confessed it as sin. I did everything I knew to do. Then one day, in my journaling, my mind turned to the children's story of The Ugly Duckling. I related to it immediately and saw that I was never intended to be a duck in a duck family. I belonged to the Father of swans. I saw that my reflection was the same as His. We were both swans and I was meant to be His all along. I didn't have to please ducks or to try to be like them. I just had to go back into the duck pond and be a witness to our swan ancestry and to the Father swan's plan for all of us to live in Him and not in the shadow of the ducks around us. This completely and immediately healed me of my anger toward my earthly father, and toward Steve and the divorce. I didn't belong to them; I was always meant to be a swan. Under the shadow of His wings, all was joy and peace.
Still there were times when I slipped into self-dependence or dependence on others. The Lord used my journaling and another children's story, The Prince and the Pauper, to get my attention. He showed me a vision of myself in rags sitting outside the gates of a beautiful palace begging alms from those who would enter in. I saw Jesus and the Father in the window of the palace discussing my condition. How sad for the One who had left the throne and given His all so that I could and would be with Him. His blood had already purchased for me His robes of righteousness and entered my name into the Lambs Book of Life forever. So, why was I settling for crumbs of self-effort and dependency on others?
Finally, in 1999 1 saw how closely God's fingerprints were in my life. He showed me how to depend on Him for my life, to be my life. Christ is The Way, The Truth, and The Life after all. It has been put so succinctly that "He gave His life for us, in order to give His life to us, in order to live His life through us." That has been his purpose for me (and for you) since before time began. I had to do nothing but accept it as already done on my behalf and let Him flow through me as His vessel on earth. In March 2001, this truth was put to the test when I was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given a very short time to live. I immediately gave it over to God, remembering that this is not my life. It is His to do with as He pleases. That is what happened when I accepted Him in 1975. My old life was exchanged for His. What a deal! So, I never felt one minute of stress or anxiety. In fact, since the diagnosis, I have experienced nothing but His peace, which surpasses all understanding. This is the miracle of His life being lived out through His saints, to be able to supercede all the normal emotions that go with such a time of testing. I am in awe of His grace because I know the old me, and how I would have been reacting had it not been for Him taking over and living out this situation through me. In Him, there is nothing but perfect peace and joy. He knows what He is doing and I can just rest in Him knowing that it is for my ultimate good. God wasn't finished with me yet.
One thing I was now discerning was that I had had my own agenda regarding Steve. Though he had been faithfully devoted to me for years, I was waiting for a "Road to Damascus" sign before giving in to His desires for us to be reunited in marriage. I was not letting God be God in this area. He worked on my heart and showed me how He had healed our relationship and I needed to trust Him for the rest. Steve and I were remarried in the privacy of my living room with just our children and our pastor on July 17, 2002. It has been such a sweet reminder of God's goodness and faithfulness that each day holds a treasured expectation of what He might do in and through me next. There are no good reports for my physical condition so far, but that is of no consequence since we are primarily spirits in a body, not bodies with a spirit. My essential nature is spirit and my spirit is eternal. I am very ready to be absent from the body and present with the Lord. May you all know His fingerprints in your life and identify with who you are in Him.
Molly went to be with the Lord on August 12, 2002, just five days after writing this testimony. It is amazing to see how God continues to use the life of this dear saint even after taking her home to Himself.